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It’s strange…

It’s been roughly four or five months since things got flipped completely upside down. It’s been about a month since I’ve posted anything on here. I find things to be sickeningly strange. You’d think that I’d be over the hill, already. You’d think that I would be back to my normal self. But, I’m not. No, instead I’m just as low as I’ve ever been. My health is still terrible. My mental state is just as bad. Half the time I am being hospitalized for seizures, and the other half of the time, I am just losing it. I find myself constantly thinking about what had happened, and why I can’t fix it— or myself. When I am alone, I’m always thinking about “her”, and why I couldn’t make things ok. I have been trying to do things to keep myself busy, but the fucking best part of it all, is I STILL have her on my mind. It’s hard to deal with all of this. I listen to songs that I hate, because they remind me of her. Then for some stupid ass reason, I think it’s a great idea to learn how to play those said songs on the guitar. When did I let myself get this way? I should have just fucking left everything in the dark. But I can’t do that, it’s impossible. As I am getting ready to move out of this town I’ve been living in, I find myself finding things that have to do with her. My green guitar pick, stupid shit I’ve written, things from the first 12 months together, letters from the 24th month together, pictures, screenshots, messages, plans, hopes, dreams, promises. I find all this stupid shit. Instead of throwing these things out or away, I pack them and keep them. She’s happy now, without me. Why am I letting myself suffer? I can’t get out of this mess. She’s not here anymore, and that haunts me. I was just another page in the book, I wasn’t the book itself. I would still do anything to make things ok. I really truly would. But that’s where I’m wrong. Things are ok— for her. Not for me. But her happiness always meant the most to me. Even if it meant absolutely destroying everything I was. I think I’ve run out of tears, and I manage to prove myself otherwise. I guess this is karma for all the shitty things I’ve done, myself. I have to get pass this. If I don’t, I’m done for. There’s six days left until my 18th birthday. Come August 1st, I will officially be a year on borrowed time. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

I love you.

And I always, always will.

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6-29-2014

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. It’s also been awhile since I’ve wrote anything. I’m stuck, still. My anxiety and depression are destroying me. I’m trying to get better but I just can’t. I stay up until the late hours of the night. It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I end up laying there for two hours. Things used to be so much easier. Why? Because I had someone to hold me up. All my life consists of now is stupid doctor appointments, and sulking over the past. I would do anything to make things easier. I would do anything to have that person to lean on, again. But I can’t do anything, to make anything ok. I guess things happen for a reason. I guess. I guess. I guess. That’s the only thing I can tell myself, anymore. I just wish someone would tell me things would be ok. And I just wish you’d come back. Things won’t change, sadly. And there is absolutely nothing that I can do about that. I just have to push myself. But I can’t do that. I’m not strong enough. I don’t want you, I need you. I need my life back. I need my love. But I’m stupid. And I’ve always been. Isn’t that apparent?

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Part 2

Life is full of temptations. Drugs, sex, alcohol. Some prefer drugs, some prefer sex, some prefer alcohol. Well, for the last five or so years, I prefer both drugs. Not things like marijuana, cocaine, LSD. No, I go for things like muscle relaxers, hydro, and sleeping pills. For awhile, (something like 2 years), I was sober. 100% clean. No drugs, no alcohol. Well, things changed. And I fucked up my sobriety. I ended up correcting my mistakes, and I ended up being sober for like a year. I fucked that up again, roughly three nights ago. I realized, I’m probably going to die if I keep up the abuse. But what’s the point of fighting the abuse? I am the kind of person who really has a hard time doing things on my own. Love had made me selfish. And I don’t blame love for my addiction to the drugs, no. I blame myself. I am the only one who had brought any of that on to myself. Quite frankly, I just don’t care anymore. I mean, when I am very messed up, I forget who I am. Which means I forget why I am hurting. It’s nice to feel numb most of the time. It is even greater to feel numb before I go to sleep, because that’s the only fucking thing that keeps me from staying up for hours, on hours thinking about things. I hope these things will kill me, before I have to resort to option b. I am very, very quickly, running out of time.

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Part One

The older you get, the more subject you are to change. Some people change more than other, As a seventeen year old, I shouldn’t be worrying about love, health, and my future. I should be worrying about what I am doing right now. That what I should be doing, but I am not. I am worrying about love, health, and my future. Love wise, I know I am only seventeen, but I still love. I truly believe I will be alone, for how long I shall live. I say that, because I don’t want to love anyone else. I know I am difficult to get along with, and I know I have been a fuck up. But finding someone who actually accepts you for your flaws and mistakes, is someone worth keeping. Maybe I was too flawed, maybe I made too many mistakes. I can’t exactly figure out why things to a twisted turn, but they did. You give someone everything, and eventually that isn’t enough.  I find myself crying for hours on end. What went wrong? I don’t know anymore. I just don’t. Change; I should have expected change. Nothing good ever lasts, does it? I’m afraid not. I’ve been strung out of my mind. I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cannot move. Watching the woman you love with everything in you, love someone else, is the worst feeling ever. I thought that eventually, things were going to get back on track. But I know they wont. I can’t comprehend anything, really. My mind is usually so rattled, that I can barely figure out what to do. As much as I’d love to sit around and bash her, I know I cannot. My heart is too fond of her. I’m a loser hanging on to memories. “That’s what I get, for feeling this, anyways. Just throw it all away,  you let me down. Write me off like yesterday.” I worry about love. And if I’m not worrying about her, I am worrying about my health. I’m probably going to die before I even hit 20. Rather it’s intentional or not, I’m not sure yet. People continuously walk out, never to come back. I am in very poor condition. My heart is weak, both literally and metaphorically. My depression, anxiety, and OCD are getting to the point where it just breaks me down. Things are getting harder to deal with. I wish I could fix things, but I can’t. I am losing myself quicker than I ever had before. I feel like I have to walk this stupid fucking planet by myself. I get drug through hell and back. The only person I can ever forgive for leaving, is Devin. It wasn’t his choice, he died. I honestly wish the roles were reversed. You work hard in life, just to get shot down. My days are very numbered. Before I die, I just want to know a couple things; why wasn’t I good enough for people to stay? Why did I always get the shitty end of life? I’ve learned that some people have to fail, so others can succeed. Because if everyone succeeded, then we would all be the same. I hope for two things; one or the other. 1.) Things will get back on track. 2.) I die before I have to suffer anymore. It’s a lonely world. And I can’t walk alone anymore. It was you, it was always you. You were the sun, and I was your moon. What is the sun without the moon? What is the moon without the sun? I am nothing. I’ll always be nothing. I lived in a false reality, where I thought I would be okay. But I am one of those people who has to fail. I know that soon, I will pull my last act of failure. And then people can just be happy for once. I’m a faded out, black soul. I’ve got nothing left but an aching heart, and a few memories. I’m truly sorry I wasn’t what was best. You give someone everything, they’ll take it, and they will run. And in my case, she didn’t come back.

Goodnight, goodbye.

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Q: I have a few for you. :) A, B, H, N, R, T, V, W, X Have fun!

AWESOME.

A. If you could get away with one murder in your lifetime without any legal, social, or emotional repercussions, would you kill someone?

I honestly don’t think I would.

B. What is your first thought when you receive a message on Tumblr, are you excited for the idea of someone from potentially the other side of the world wanting to talk to you or fearful that someone will criticize you?

Usually my first thought is “Oh god, who’s trying to get under my skin now?”. Either way, I’m just excited.

H. If it meant it would solve all world hunger, war, disease and bigotry, would you spend the rest of eternity in Hell?

Yep.

N. What was the worst nightmare you ever had?

After my three brain surgeries, I would awake in the hospital with some pretty terrible nightmares. Usually it’s a dream where I’m walking down a long hallway, and there is doors on both sides. The doors on the left are usually things that happened to me that were bad memories, then the right was good memories. And at the very end of the hallway there is a door that I’d open. In the room I see myself sitting in a chair with a gun, and I end up killing myself. I usually wake up at the sound of the bang.

R. Do you have any (secret) feelings of bigotry to any group of people?

Do underclassmen count

T. If everyone in the world would automatically only know one language, which language would you choose?

English. Just because I know it so well lol.

V. A world without religion, good, bad, neutral?

Eh, I’m not sure. It could go either way. So probably neutral.

W. The men’s rights movement, legitimate cause or laughable, and why?

Legitimate. Women seem to have more rights than men just because females are always taking advantage of their rights, so it seems.

X. You can eliminate one of your five senses to substantially strengthen the others, which one and would you do it?

That’s a really tough question… I’d probably lose my sense of taste to strengthen my sight. 


asked by pvtterns
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